very apt indeed.

Ang masasabi ko lang, saktong sakto itong kantang ito sa kung anong pinagdaanan ko. Emphasis on "pinagdaanan". I'd like to think that it's already in the past.

Lifeline by Brooke Fraser

I have this sinking feeling
Something's weighing me down
I am completely saturated
The waves are crashing closer
My feet already drowned
Doing the thing I said I hated

They've been swimming in the wrong water
Now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you'll lift me out

[Chorus]
Have your way here
Keep me afloat 'cos I know I'll sink without you
Take this ocean of pain that is mine
Throw me a lifeline

Wake up feeling convicted
I know something's not right
Re-acquaint my knees with the carpet
I have to get this out
'Cos it's obstructing you and I
Dry up the seas that keep us parted

'Cos they've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know that you are gonna pull me out

[Chorus]

They've been swimming in the wrong waters
And now they're pulling me down
But I am clinging to you, never letting go
'Cos I know, 'cos I know

[Chorus]

The chalk dust catcher is a mediocre.

22 Aug. 

I was late for class today. I knew that my teacher would be throwing in a quiz but i didn't mind coming late. Not because I didn't study, i did. Let's just say that this week, I'm not really enthusiastic about school. Maybe it's because there's only 2.5 days of school this week. The holidays, add to that the weather condition (btw, the storm's the same name as me: Karen) all contributed to the plummeting of my momentum for school. 

Stat class is on the fifth floor. Now, for the benefit of those who don't know, the engineering fifth floor can be described aptly by the phrase "napag-iwanan ng panahon" (di ko maenglish e. hehe) Read: black boards, ugly dirty floor tiles, old chairs, etc. If one plans (or intends) to be late for stat class, s/he should be braced to be the chalk dust catcher. Because if you're late, the only seats left are those adjacent to the blackboard, perpendicular to the chairs facing the board. And every time the teacher erases the board, tiny specks of chalk dust would be flying in the air and the seats for the tardy people are the perfect landing spot. Following that line of thought, if a person is seated on that unfortunate chair.. you know what's next.

One tip for the tardy person: never wear black.

My seat mate was wearing black and i can't help but feel sorry for him at the end of the class. Chalk dust can be mistaken for dandruff when it lands in your hair, that i've realized. I did the samaritan thing of telling him and helping him brush them off, but it's not very easy when you have wax or some other product on your hair. Made me all the more happy to be wearing a yellow shirt and no hair gloss.

Anyway, about the quiz. I arrived when there was only a minute left before papers were to be passed. I was so disappointed in myself because i didn't even try to answer the question. I was succumbing to defeat already without any effort on my part. And I'm not usually like that. 

It dawned on me that He must've been even more disappointed. It's becoming more and more essential to remind myself to "run toward the goal, as if to win the prize". O God, help me.

My Name is Goldilocks.

I learned more in one night than in my 20 years of existence.

I would admit it's an overstatement. But nevertheless, let me tell you what I learned from an in-my-face experience I had just recently.

1. There are some questions that are better left unanswered, some things better left unsaid.

2. If you asked for it, be ready to face the consequence.

3. Know that, self-inflicted pain is the worst kind of pain there is.

4. The mind is more powerful than the heart. It can teach the latter.

5. No matter the magnitude of regret, it can never take back time. 

6. Always be ready to recognize opportunities. They come but once.

7. Letting go is a mark of maturity.

8. Being able to talk about the past with someone and still realize that it's the past is liberating.

I can never fully relay the details to how I have come to realize these things. It's very complicated, to say the least. And I guess you can tell, since some lessons listed above are kinda contradicting. Haha, the beauty of irony. But with this, I realized I have matured. And that's a 'wow' for me.

***

I have always felt like I'm Goldilocks when it comes to love. 

Inside the house, I found a bed. I laid on it, but figured, this bed is too hard. I moved to a bed next to it, stayed in it for a while, but realize, this is just too soft. 

Now I wonder, will I ever find the bed that's just right?

I walked to the dining area. On the table, I found a bowl of porridge. I helped myself for a serving and discovered it was too cold to taste. Good thing I found another bowl. I tasted it, but as soon as the spoon touched my mouth, I jerked it away. This is just too hot, I exclaimed.

Now I wonder, will I ever find the porridge that's just right?

For now, I can only wonder for as long as I can..

For whatever reason, I felt the urge to blog again.

The title says it all. I don't know what got to me, but somehow, I managed to type the html address to this site. Maybe i missed expressing myself, because given my busy schedule, there really isn't much time to write about everyday stuff. So, let's just say, I'm practically stealing time that should be dedicated to school work because I felt the urge to rant. But before I rush to that, let me just dust this place off. 

*dusting...*

*dusting even more..*

There. 

Golly, it's been more than a year since the last blog post. I imagine if this is a house, this very much looks like an abandoned house. With cobwebs. Spiders. Ghosts maybe. 

Maybe I'm weird. I set up a blog. Update it when it's still new. Forget to write because I say I'm busy. Then forget to write more often. And then completely forget about it. One day, I surf the net. By accident, I see a friend's link to his blog. Then I remember, oh yeah, I have a blog just like this. Except it's never updated. So I visit my blog again. And feelings about how liberating this blogging is is invoked. 

I've always had apprehensions on what to blog about. It's paradoxical that I blog because I want to express myself but I hold back for the fear of being judged of what I say. But I guess, that's the risk that comes with the liberty of expressing the self; some people would agree with you, and other people plainly exist to contradict. 

I really don't know where I'm getting at with this post. And I never thought satisfying my urge to write would be this easy. Now, I'm never promising that I would blog often. I'm not saying that. But I would certainly remember how near to euphoria this blogging is.

a peso got me thinking.

i don't know if i'm just wallowing in self pity or the world really is serving me injustice more often. if the first holds more truth in it, then maybe i should get a heart check and so come to view things in a different perspective..in a better perspective. after all, thoughts become things. if i think so, it is so. yada, yada.

everyday, i ride a tricycle and a jeep to school and that has been routine ever since i started college. usually i have lots of change so i almost always pay the exact fare. but this morning, that was not the case. what i had was twenty pesos so that was what i handed to manong tricycle driver. i got 7pesos as change. now, that was unfair. why you ask? because tricycle fare is just 12 pesos. (ok, you do the math..) and so i said to manong driver,

"kulang po ng piso".

he handed me that peso and acted like it was an innocent mistake (kahit obvious na hindi naman). if i had let my angry self take over, i would've said,

"akala mo manong mauutakan mo ako ha? engineering major ata ako. magaling ako sa math."
but i didn't. (i remembered WWJD) instead i smiled and said,

"salamat po manong. good morning!"

***

sopas na walang gatas. matatawag pa bang sopas yun? anyway, that's what i just had for "dinner".

***

i'll be tutoring students in SAS tomorrow. SAS is a school in paranaque, i can't quite remember what the initials stand for, thanks to my very good memory. anyway, i'm teaching english in an all-boys class. honestly, i'm more nervous about the class i'll be handling than the subject i'll be teaching. i get all uneasy around guys. not because i'm conscious about the way i look but because i have been very much like that ever since i was a little girl attending kindergarten..there is consolation in knowing that there will be at least one student who will be interestingly cute. haha.

i should be sleeping now because call time is at 6am. and i guess, that's what i would do.. ciao!